Today is pink.. for motherly love. As many people may know i dont have a mother. i was born to a women. but she never participated in my life in any major way so i have always had this lacking feeling when i see girls with their moms. Like im studying a new species of animals or something. If i could have a mom it would probably be like my friends mom penny. she is pretty awesome and easy going and i feel like we could have connected if i had a mom like her. So my whole life i have determined that i was going to be a better mom then i had. because nothing makes you more pissed off then when you get a phone call that says. "HEY KIDS!!!! its me! MOM!!!! (like who the fuck is this women calling herself my mother) I just wanted to drop a line and tell you how much i love you! How are you? noone ever picks up the phone! WHY??? (tears) i just want to see you guys and i miss you! (more tears) Call me back.... Heres my number incase your caller id that screens my calls doesnt pick it up BLAH BLAH BLAH! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAHHHH! LUV U! BYE!"
So yeah thats my relationship with her. sad i know and you may say Now Kellie thats mean to screen calls but u know what! What do i say to her? Hey you walked out on me, told me countless times as a child that i was a mistake (while your had one of ur famous crazy moments) and then all the memories i have of you are you beating the shit out of me and my brother and sister. and you leaving me at someones house that just had a nursery sign in the front of the house and i couldnt go home until the lady would call home at like 8 oclock and tell my dad u had left me and he couldnt find me cause you couldnt remember where you had left me and this poor lady from nowhere is left with a child she knows nothing about! So yeah i find it kind HARD TO CONNECT!
So i have kinda given up trying! And she is always like well let me know when you get married and have babies.... UHM no..... i dont mean to be mean but what have you contributed to me lately? how have you influenced my life for the better? how can any of your knowledge enrich the small child that i now carry life? i know i would never have her baby sit. you know. and i dont want to ban her from their little life or mine. i just feel like she lost her chance you know! sad but true. its kinda like when you see a poor person. you may feel bad for them. you may give them a few bucks for a while but then they start expecting it! And how r they helping u? they r not. you may have known them a long time ago but sometimes i think people need to move on. I wish i could have had a relationship with her. but she let her addictions and health problems take precident over being a mother for her children and i cant forgive that. because i saw a father work way harder then he should have, go without food for himself to feed his children, and make ends meet by doing odd jobs when there was nothing else! if i want to model myself as a parent for my child its not going to be a mother who only came around when it was convenitent to her! i want to model myself after my father who would have sold his right hand to make sure his children had everything they needed.
As i sit here typing this tearing up. just thinking how great of a dad i have. i realize its not motherhood that im going to have because ive never known that. so i dont know how to be that. But i do know how to love my child with every fiber of myself and show them how to be a great person. I know what i wanted and how to provide the breast to lay their little head on, the shoulder to cry on, the arms to hug with and mean it, the melody to sing with, and the heart to love with. Its not motherhood i strive to give my child. its parenthood i guess. Its common sense. Its everything that i have needed for YEARS! and need today when i have questions and about why my body is doing all these strange things! I have to ask friends instead of coming home and talking to a mother. I have to depend on other people to be my listeners when im crying and i have noone else to turn to. At the end of the day. i may be over protective, strong willed about doing it my way or the high way! but atleast i know i will be there to provide them with anything they need emotionally physically and mentally because im going to be more then i ever had. so they dont ever blog this kinda blog.
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