the glow of motherhood...

Today is pink.. for motherly love. As many people may know i dont have a mother. i was born to a women. but she never participated in my life in any major way so i have always had this lacking feeling when i see girls with their moms. Like im studying a new species of animals or something. If i could have a mom it would probably be like my friends mom penny. she is pretty awesome and easy going and i feel like we could have connected if i had a mom like her. So my whole life i have determined that i was going to be a better mom then i had. because nothing makes you more pissed off then when you get a phone call that says. "HEY KIDS!!!! its me! MOM!!!! (like who the fuck is this women calling herself my mother) I just wanted to drop a line and tell you how much i love you! How are you? noone ever picks up the phone! WHY??? (tears) i just want to see you guys and i miss you! (more tears) Call me back.... Heres my number incase your caller id that screens my calls doesnt pick it up BLAH BLAH BLAH! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAHHHH! LUV U! BYE!"

So yeah thats my relationship with her. sad i know and you may say Now Kellie thats mean to screen calls but u know what! What do i say to her? Hey you walked out on me, told me countless times as a child that i was a mistake (while your had one of ur famous crazy moments) and then all the memories i have of you are you beating the shit out of me and my brother and sister. and you leaving me at someones house that just had a nursery sign in the front of the house and i couldnt go home until the lady would call home at like 8 oclock and tell my dad u had left me and he couldnt find me cause you couldnt remember where you had left me and this poor lady from nowhere is left with a child she knows nothing about! So yeah i find it kind HARD TO CONNECT!

So i have kinda given up trying! And she is always like well let me know when you get married and have babies.... UHM no..... i dont mean to be mean but what have you contributed to me lately? how have you influenced my life for the better? how can any of your knowledge enrich the small child that i now carry life? i know i would never have her baby sit. you know. and i dont want to ban her from their little life or mine. i just feel like she lost her chance you know! sad but true. its kinda like when you see a poor person. you may feel bad for them. you may give them a few bucks for a while but then they start expecting it! And how r they helping u? they r not. you may have known them a long time ago but sometimes i think people need to move on. I wish i could have had a relationship with her. but she let her addictions and health problems take precident over being a mother for her children and i cant forgive that. because i saw a father work way harder then he should have, go without food for himself to feed his children, and make ends meet by doing odd jobs when there was nothing else! if i want to model myself as a parent for my child its not going to be a mother who only came around when it was convenitent to her! i want to model myself after my father who would have sold his right hand to make sure his children had everything they needed.

As i sit here typing this tearing up. just thinking how great of a dad i have. i realize its not motherhood that im going to have because ive never known that. so i dont know how to be that. But i do know how to love my child with every fiber of myself and show them how to be a great person. I know what i wanted and how to provide the breast to lay their little head on, the shoulder to cry on, the arms to hug with and mean it, the melody to sing with, and the heart to love with. Its not motherhood i strive to give my child. its parenthood i guess. Its common sense. Its everything that i have needed for YEARS! and need today when i have questions and about why my body is doing all these strange things! I have to ask friends instead of coming home and talking to a mother.  I have to depend on other people to be my listeners when im crying and i have noone else to turn to. At the end of the day. i may be over protective, strong willed about doing it my way or the high way! but atleast i know i will be there to provide them with anything they need emotionally physically and mentally because im going to be more then i ever had. so they dont ever blog this kinda blog.

New day; New story

Today i feel like lavender! Its a pretty color! So today was my first day back at my old store and i must say i have missed it something terrible! OMG the grass is never greener on the other side. The store i transfered to is so bad! its nasty and i hate it and i almost begged to get my old job back haha! but they welcomed me with open arms. And i was happy to see them too. haha. i actually was so excited about going back to my old store i forgot my name tag and a pen LOL. 

But yesterday i had a most interesting conversation with one of my X managers that quit my place of employment. He IM'd me on facebook and told me that since he was no longer my manager he could tell me how he really felt about me. He said that he thought i was one of the most sexy women he had ever met, he loved me cause i looked so shy and innocent and he wanted to teach me dirty things and wondered if i would consider having a three-some with him and his wife. NEEDLESS! to say i about died! how do u respond to something like that??? i mean i know how he is and how he acts and i always thought he stared at me alot. AND he told me he used to check out my ass as i walked away! now i want to wear a poncho to work for Gods sake! I mean i knew inside there was something about the way he looked at me. BUT OMG im engaged to a man that i love very much! i told him HELL NO to a three-some. and i was like thanks i guess. its always nice to hear that ppl think your good looking. even when you r n a unflattering uniform and a hat... and i mean idk i was kinda in shock! do you tell your fiancee's other men are hitting on you?

And then to top it off. there is a guy at one of my stores(not the one im trying to go back to) that i had a crush on in middle school. Now i see that we are not cut out for each other at all. I mean he reminds me of Ewan Mcgregor and yeah i think he is hot and all (EWAN) haha but hes not my style anymore. and I have told this guy every time i see him how happy i am and stuff with steven and he keeps going well how serious is it? VERY! i have been with him forever and im not going to cheat on him. well last night he asked me to go on a "dog date" not a people date with him so our dogs could get to know each other better his dog needs a friend. And i know in some ways that true both of our dogs do need friends. but i just feel like going to do that would be wrong so im not going to.

So idk if last night i looked exceptionally smashing in my boars head uniform and my faded hair colors or what. but the men came after me and i was a good ego boast cause ive been feeling all low and stuff but OMG it kinda freaks u out at the same time haha

My many moments...

I am typing in blue today because i feel rather melodramatic! Some times i get into these little spells where im just a little down and out :( Today one of my great friends left to go with her very handsome husband to hawaii for the next 3 yrs... I think it was kinda a sad day for everyone who knows her and how great she is. Even though she will have great experience, make wonderful new native friends and will send me great pictures and we will mail each other new things all the time i will still miss her! I dont get to see my friends often and now i really wont get to see her for a while! So that is reason one why im feelin a little soggy today...

Reason two is idk. i miss my steven a lot, i have tuns of homework that i need to be working on and i honestly cant find the motivation to get anything done. My body has been acting funny for a while and ive been sick for about a mth now and quite frankly i just want to feel better! This whole being bloated, feeling nauseated, having headaches, and semi mild cramps is for the birds! it may just be a gaint case of PMS! or i could be dying. but either way i wish to feel better. 

And hopefully if not this weekend maybe sometime in the near future of the October month i will buy tickets to go to spooky woods! They have a new Zip Line that looks really fun! and they have added a few new attractions! i didn't get to make it to any haunted things last year so hopefully this yr i can go to as many as i want to! Honestly i think i just need to do something for myself. I'm working, dealing with a store i hate with a manager who is a 2 faced back stabber and i need a break. And i need to hurry up and be transferred back to my old store PRONTO! before a smack down happens in Burlington! So basically i dont feel like me! I need a tall glass of ice cold water and a nap! 

Updates

So over the weekend I attended my future husbands aunts fourth wedding! It was so pretty! OMG  haha well i know this one was meant to be because she actually changed her name this time haha. Well we went. and it made me kinda sad because its still not my turn! but i dont like to think about that or talk about it because it was her big day and she really deserves someone as good as him! haha it was a really beautiful ceremony and everyone got a little emotional when Jimmy couldnt say his vows and just busted out with a teary "I just Love her so much" awwww how sweet!!! but since she didnt have anyone to do her hair. I volunteered! She had only one rule, NO HAIRSPRAY! OMG do you know what that means??? me+hairspray=beautiful hair. but i think it all turned out well! haha i love the natural curls flowing and cascading down the back look. actually i might steal that and do my hair like that for my wedding.

. School has been a little hectic! Im pooped! and i have started to become a bum! im waiting til the last minute to do my homework, im sleeping a little later... And you know honestly i dont even know anymore if this is what i want to do with my life either!!!  But i guess i need to pick something and stick with it! my next mission is to be a welder/plumber!!! haha

And to top it all off i have the crud!!! I sneeze none stop! my nose is red and stuffy! My eyes water! I have a headache! im dizzy and light headed! Last week i was nauseous all week!!! I am hardly ever sick! and now i am so idk how to take myself!!! And im coughy! Thank you nature and all your many germs! Make my day will ya!?!?!?!?! 

Damn what a night!

So for many of you who know since i go to school all the way in Alamance and my fiancee lives 30mins from the school and a good 20 mins from me and i have all of this crazy homework and papers going on plus work i don't get alot of time to see him except for on the weekends. Well that changed today! Because i woke up this morning missing him, went to school this morning missing him! And by friggin 12 o'clock i was making some serious plans to c my man! Don't stop a women in love! And honestly i don't like PDA! So that means I'm not the kinda girl who is always posting our business on face book or talking about it to friends. Half the people at my job didn't even know i was dating anyone! Basically its my personal life! its my private life and i don't even talk about Steven to my family. you want to know y? because our relationship is pretty damn perfect! If we have issues between us we work it out between us. I don't have to talk it out to other people! And that my friends is how you know your adult, your truly in love and your meant to be together forever! So i have decided that right now I'm dedicating this blog to my Steven! Since i never really give him the credit he deserves out loud and to everyone else. So I love you and i always will!

And you know what else! I don't think that you have to have a piece of paper to be married! I believe that marriage is a commitment between two people and God. It is a commitment to not only love one another but to share that love with God and keep him before you above the other. If people as me i have been married since March 29th 2008 whenever me and Steven made that commitment to God and to each other and to be true to it for the rest of our lives. I love my husband. and he loves me and at the end of the night that's all anyone needs to know! hehe