Big Girls Dont Cry!

Well since i last posted alot has happened to me that i havent really felt like talking about until now. Sometimes deep wounds take a month or so to heal. Well for starts to catch any new visitors up. Once i was pregnant. And for any of you who know me that was the highlight of my boring existance, then i had a miscarriage. I mainly blame it on stress, anxiety, and a bunch of other things but my doctor rounded it all out to my hormones not rising properly. Which happens to about 80% of pregnancies but since you end up getting your period soon most women never know that they have had a chemical/spontanious abortion. But the doctors with all their smarts and mighty wisdom seem to think that i would have been around 4 months but it had started to slow in development and then just stopped all together so in all honesty it was probably about 2 months or so along.

After my lose i feel into this deep dark depression that not many people know that i went through. Not even Steven. I hated everything about babies. If i saw one i hated it. It wasnt mine. It was satans spawn for all i cared. And i hated all pregnant women. All of my friends with new babies and the ones who were pregnant i hated them too! I wanted everyone else to have a miscarriage like me so that they knew how i felt because all the bull shit they kept spouting about it will be ok you can have another one was pissing me off! i wanted to scream shut up bitch your child is still alive. mine died. i hate you! basically i was about to go off the deep end and i kept all this in because when i talked about it people looked at me like i was about to go columbian on them. And i might would have if one more of my friends bubbled to me about their pregnancies and how damn cute their little pooper was! I didnt care! i wanted you to be mourning with me not telling me oh look what so and so did today or i felt him kick! shut up! Jesus! help me!

So i went to the doctor  and was like look. I need drugs i hate everything and everyone. And i cant stop crying on the inside. And i cant stop eating. haha. eating.... But she said it was all perfectly normal. I didnt need drugs, i wasnt about to kill someone and it would all go away in time. And now four weeks after the sudden death of my child those feelings are slowely going away. I dont care anymore. And i still feel like i cant talk about it as much as i want to to my friends because everyone acts like they dont care. I mean i know u dont know how to help me. But sometimes i feel like i need to get things off my chest and express myself to people. So if i come a texting please text me back! i mean sometimes it could be a important message coming next.

But enough with the sad talk. A while back i posted about stevens aunt getting married and her having a nice little ceremony with family in the yard and i said oh i want that! So i started planning! Well syk! haha. that isnt going to happen my wedding has turned into a full blown! princess dianna replay! I have a big dress, I have big flowers, i have brides maids with matching dresses, men in rented tuxedos the whole nine yards! plus its going to be at my church! in the evening, lights dimmed, candles everywhere, im going to have a lighted arch, unity candles, a grand piano player, someone singing, a five tired cake, a buffet line, flower throwing, garter toss, cans on the back of my car! its going to be amazing! and if your either not invited or you cant make it sucks for you. BUT i am registered at walmart.com! and i do accept cash and checks! So my wedding is Nov.13th 2010! And im now very excited about this! Its finally happening! im finally walking the isle! i cant wait. Its going to be so perfect! Im going to attatch a few of my bridal pics hehe