Bless my heart!

So yes I have been a very bad girl and not blogged in a long time! But I have been very busy and had alot going on and alot on my mind...

So for starters, I am now hapily married to the man of my dreams! I love my Steven very much! And he makes me completely happy in every way. Honestly i wouldnt imagine him not being with me. We had a fabulous wedding on November 13th and it was everything I had ever hoped to have in a wedding. I cannot wait to get my pictures back so I can share them with my friends and family!

I found out one of my great friends has liver cancer. I have not known Anita as long as some of my other friends but she is still very dear to my heart! I am very sad for her because she has chosen not to recieve treatment for her cancer because she doesnt want to feel sick. but everything that I have read about liver cancer says with or without treatment it is very painful and still makes you very sick. I just think about her family and how she is the cement that holds everyone together. And if she dies with this cancer then so does really the relationship between alot of people. Pray for her. She is a really great person.

I am also trying to find me a new job! I hope to get a full time job somewhere like the hospital or something. I honestly dont think that I want to work at Harris Teeter much longer. They are taking away all full time positions and now noone is going to be promoted to full time. So basically it is useless for me to be there much longer! So I think it is time for me to move on.

I cant wait for Christmas! I love this time of year! If only it wasnt so dang cold! haha. I hate the cold! I like looking at it and I like walking through it every once in a while but I cant stand being COLD! all the time! haha. i would just prefer to be comfortable all the time instead.

Big Girls Dont Cry!

Well since i last posted alot has happened to me that i havent really felt like talking about until now. Sometimes deep wounds take a month or so to heal. Well for starts to catch any new visitors up. Once i was pregnant. And for any of you who know me that was the highlight of my boring existance, then i had a miscarriage. I mainly blame it on stress, anxiety, and a bunch of other things but my doctor rounded it all out to my hormones not rising properly. Which happens to about 80% of pregnancies but since you end up getting your period soon most women never know that they have had a chemical/spontanious abortion. But the doctors with all their smarts and mighty wisdom seem to think that i would have been around 4 months but it had started to slow in development and then just stopped all together so in all honesty it was probably about 2 months or so along.

After my lose i feel into this deep dark depression that not many people know that i went through. Not even Steven. I hated everything about babies. If i saw one i hated it. It wasnt mine. It was satans spawn for all i cared. And i hated all pregnant women. All of my friends with new babies and the ones who were pregnant i hated them too! I wanted everyone else to have a miscarriage like me so that they knew how i felt because all the bull shit they kept spouting about it will be ok you can have another one was pissing me off! i wanted to scream shut up bitch your child is still alive. mine died. i hate you! basically i was about to go off the deep end and i kept all this in because when i talked about it people looked at me like i was about to go columbian on them. And i might would have if one more of my friends bubbled to me about their pregnancies and how damn cute their little pooper was! I didnt care! i wanted you to be mourning with me not telling me oh look what so and so did today or i felt him kick! shut up! Jesus! help me!

So i went to the doctor  and was like look. I need drugs i hate everything and everyone. And i cant stop crying on the inside. And i cant stop eating. haha. eating.... But she said it was all perfectly normal. I didnt need drugs, i wasnt about to kill someone and it would all go away in time. And now four weeks after the sudden death of my child those feelings are slowely going away. I dont care anymore. And i still feel like i cant talk about it as much as i want to to my friends because everyone acts like they dont care. I mean i know u dont know how to help me. But sometimes i feel like i need to get things off my chest and express myself to people. So if i come a texting please text me back! i mean sometimes it could be a important message coming next.

But enough with the sad talk. A while back i posted about stevens aunt getting married and her having a nice little ceremony with family in the yard and i said oh i want that! So i started planning! Well syk! haha. that isnt going to happen my wedding has turned into a full blown! princess dianna replay! I have a big dress, I have big flowers, i have brides maids with matching dresses, men in rented tuxedos the whole nine yards! plus its going to be at my church! in the evening, lights dimmed, candles everywhere, im going to have a lighted arch, unity candles, a grand piano player, someone singing, a five tired cake, a buffet line, flower throwing, garter toss, cans on the back of my car! its going to be amazing! and if your either not invited or you cant make it sucks for you. BUT i am registered at walmart.com! and i do accept cash and checks! So my wedding is Nov.13th 2010! And im now very excited about this! Its finally happening! im finally walking the isle! i cant wait. Its going to be so perfect! Im going to attatch a few of my bridal pics hehe

Boy? or Girl?

So its always that age old question... Are you having a boy or a girl... Well i feel like i know what my baby is! I feel like its a boy! idk y i feel like this but i do. its not that i dont want a daughter. me and steven would just rather have a boy first. but anyways if its a boy his name will be Clark Nathaniel Deyette. Isnt that so cute! well i might change haha! but if it doesnt look out for a lil Clark runnin around pretty soon! but i like girl names too! I like Brooklyn. Thats nice! but idk there are just so many baby girls n my family. and i want a boy

So i cant wait to see it! Its so exciting! i think im getting a ultrasound sometime this wk!!! I cant wait! i wanna c my baby! haha and i cant wait to find out exactly how far along i am!!! i wanna know so i can make plans and i cant wait til it grows enough to see its little face!!! well im excited but im sleepy and i have to go to work so i gotta go haha

the glow of motherhood...

Today is pink.. for motherly love. As many people may know i dont have a mother. i was born to a women. but she never participated in my life in any major way so i have always had this lacking feeling when i see girls with their moms. Like im studying a new species of animals or something. If i could have a mom it would probably be like my friends mom penny. she is pretty awesome and easy going and i feel like we could have connected if i had a mom like her. So my whole life i have determined that i was going to be a better mom then i had. because nothing makes you more pissed off then when you get a phone call that says. "HEY KIDS!!!! its me! MOM!!!! (like who the fuck is this women calling herself my mother) I just wanted to drop a line and tell you how much i love you! How are you? noone ever picks up the phone! WHY??? (tears) i just want to see you guys and i miss you! (more tears) Call me back.... Heres my number incase your caller id that screens my calls doesnt pick it up BLAH BLAH BLAH! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAHHHH! LUV U! BYE!"

So yeah thats my relationship with her. sad i know and you may say Now Kellie thats mean to screen calls but u know what! What do i say to her? Hey you walked out on me, told me countless times as a child that i was a mistake (while your had one of ur famous crazy moments) and then all the memories i have of you are you beating the shit out of me and my brother and sister. and you leaving me at someones house that just had a nursery sign in the front of the house and i couldnt go home until the lady would call home at like 8 oclock and tell my dad u had left me and he couldnt find me cause you couldnt remember where you had left me and this poor lady from nowhere is left with a child she knows nothing about! So yeah i find it kind HARD TO CONNECT!

So i have kinda given up trying! And she is always like well let me know when you get married and have babies.... UHM no..... i dont mean to be mean but what have you contributed to me lately? how have you influenced my life for the better? how can any of your knowledge enrich the small child that i now carry life? i know i would never have her baby sit. you know. and i dont want to ban her from their little life or mine. i just feel like she lost her chance you know! sad but true. its kinda like when you see a poor person. you may feel bad for them. you may give them a few bucks for a while but then they start expecting it! And how r they helping u? they r not. you may have known them a long time ago but sometimes i think people need to move on. I wish i could have had a relationship with her. but she let her addictions and health problems take precident over being a mother for her children and i cant forgive that. because i saw a father work way harder then he should have, go without food for himself to feed his children, and make ends meet by doing odd jobs when there was nothing else! if i want to model myself as a parent for my child its not going to be a mother who only came around when it was convenitent to her! i want to model myself after my father who would have sold his right hand to make sure his children had everything they needed.

As i sit here typing this tearing up. just thinking how great of a dad i have. i realize its not motherhood that im going to have because ive never known that. so i dont know how to be that. But i do know how to love my child with every fiber of myself and show them how to be a great person. I know what i wanted and how to provide the breast to lay their little head on, the shoulder to cry on, the arms to hug with and mean it, the melody to sing with, and the heart to love with. Its not motherhood i strive to give my child. its parenthood i guess. Its common sense. Its everything that i have needed for YEARS! and need today when i have questions and about why my body is doing all these strange things! I have to ask friends instead of coming home and talking to a mother.  I have to depend on other people to be my listeners when im crying and i have noone else to turn to. At the end of the day. i may be over protective, strong willed about doing it my way or the high way! but atleast i know i will be there to provide them with anything they need emotionally physically and mentally because im going to be more then i ever had. so they dont ever blog this kinda blog.

New day; New story

Today i feel like lavender! Its a pretty color! So today was my first day back at my old store and i must say i have missed it something terrible! OMG the grass is never greener on the other side. The store i transfered to is so bad! its nasty and i hate it and i almost begged to get my old job back haha! but they welcomed me with open arms. And i was happy to see them too. haha. i actually was so excited about going back to my old store i forgot my name tag and a pen LOL. 

But yesterday i had a most interesting conversation with one of my X managers that quit my place of employment. He IM'd me on facebook and told me that since he was no longer my manager he could tell me how he really felt about me. He said that he thought i was one of the most sexy women he had ever met, he loved me cause i looked so shy and innocent and he wanted to teach me dirty things and wondered if i would consider having a three-some with him and his wife. NEEDLESS! to say i about died! how do u respond to something like that??? i mean i know how he is and how he acts and i always thought he stared at me alot. AND he told me he used to check out my ass as i walked away! now i want to wear a poncho to work for Gods sake! I mean i knew inside there was something about the way he looked at me. BUT OMG im engaged to a man that i love very much! i told him HELL NO to a three-some. and i was like thanks i guess. its always nice to hear that ppl think your good looking. even when you r n a unflattering uniform and a hat... and i mean idk i was kinda in shock! do you tell your fiancee's other men are hitting on you?

And then to top it off. there is a guy at one of my stores(not the one im trying to go back to) that i had a crush on in middle school. Now i see that we are not cut out for each other at all. I mean he reminds me of Ewan Mcgregor and yeah i think he is hot and all (EWAN) haha but hes not my style anymore. and I have told this guy every time i see him how happy i am and stuff with steven and he keeps going well how serious is it? VERY! i have been with him forever and im not going to cheat on him. well last night he asked me to go on a "dog date" not a people date with him so our dogs could get to know each other better his dog needs a friend. And i know in some ways that true both of our dogs do need friends. but i just feel like going to do that would be wrong so im not going to.

So idk if last night i looked exceptionally smashing in my boars head uniform and my faded hair colors or what. but the men came after me and i was a good ego boast cause ive been feeling all low and stuff but OMG it kinda freaks u out at the same time haha

My many moments...

I am typing in blue today because i feel rather melodramatic! Some times i get into these little spells where im just a little down and out :( Today one of my great friends left to go with her very handsome husband to hawaii for the next 3 yrs... I think it was kinda a sad day for everyone who knows her and how great she is. Even though she will have great experience, make wonderful new native friends and will send me great pictures and we will mail each other new things all the time i will still miss her! I dont get to see my friends often and now i really wont get to see her for a while! So that is reason one why im feelin a little soggy today...

Reason two is idk. i miss my steven a lot, i have tuns of homework that i need to be working on and i honestly cant find the motivation to get anything done. My body has been acting funny for a while and ive been sick for about a mth now and quite frankly i just want to feel better! This whole being bloated, feeling nauseated, having headaches, and semi mild cramps is for the birds! it may just be a gaint case of PMS! or i could be dying. but either way i wish to feel better. 

And hopefully if not this weekend maybe sometime in the near future of the October month i will buy tickets to go to spooky woods! They have a new Zip Line that looks really fun! and they have added a few new attractions! i didn't get to make it to any haunted things last year so hopefully this yr i can go to as many as i want to! Honestly i think i just need to do something for myself. I'm working, dealing with a store i hate with a manager who is a 2 faced back stabber and i need a break. And i need to hurry up and be transferred back to my old store PRONTO! before a smack down happens in Burlington! So basically i dont feel like me! I need a tall glass of ice cold water and a nap! 

Updates

So over the weekend I attended my future husbands aunts fourth wedding! It was so pretty! OMG  haha well i know this one was meant to be because she actually changed her name this time haha. Well we went. and it made me kinda sad because its still not my turn! but i dont like to think about that or talk about it because it was her big day and she really deserves someone as good as him! haha it was a really beautiful ceremony and everyone got a little emotional when Jimmy couldnt say his vows and just busted out with a teary "I just Love her so much" awwww how sweet!!! but since she didnt have anyone to do her hair. I volunteered! She had only one rule, NO HAIRSPRAY! OMG do you know what that means??? me+hairspray=beautiful hair. but i think it all turned out well! haha i love the natural curls flowing and cascading down the back look. actually i might steal that and do my hair like that for my wedding.

. School has been a little hectic! Im pooped! and i have started to become a bum! im waiting til the last minute to do my homework, im sleeping a little later... And you know honestly i dont even know anymore if this is what i want to do with my life either!!!  But i guess i need to pick something and stick with it! my next mission is to be a welder/plumber!!! haha

And to top it all off i have the crud!!! I sneeze none stop! my nose is red and stuffy! My eyes water! I have a headache! im dizzy and light headed! Last week i was nauseous all week!!! I am hardly ever sick! and now i am so idk how to take myself!!! And im coughy! Thank you nature and all your many germs! Make my day will ya!?!?!?!?! 

Damn what a night!

So for many of you who know since i go to school all the way in Alamance and my fiancee lives 30mins from the school and a good 20 mins from me and i have all of this crazy homework and papers going on plus work i don't get alot of time to see him except for on the weekends. Well that changed today! Because i woke up this morning missing him, went to school this morning missing him! And by friggin 12 o'clock i was making some serious plans to c my man! Don't stop a women in love! And honestly i don't like PDA! So that means I'm not the kinda girl who is always posting our business on face book or talking about it to friends. Half the people at my job didn't even know i was dating anyone! Basically its my personal life! its my private life and i don't even talk about Steven to my family. you want to know y? because our relationship is pretty damn perfect! If we have issues between us we work it out between us. I don't have to talk it out to other people! And that my friends is how you know your adult, your truly in love and your meant to be together forever! So i have decided that right now I'm dedicating this blog to my Steven! Since i never really give him the credit he deserves out loud and to everyone else. So I love you and i always will!

And you know what else! I don't think that you have to have a piece of paper to be married! I believe that marriage is a commitment between two people and God. It is a commitment to not only love one another but to share that love with God and keep him before you above the other. If people as me i have been married since March 29th 2008 whenever me and Steven made that commitment to God and to each other and to be true to it for the rest of our lives. I love my husband. and he loves me and at the end of the night that's all anyone needs to know! hehe

Shoot me in the foot...

The past week has been really hectic for me! Starting with last Friday i got my hair done by a great friend! I received some great layers, dark brown hair and green&purple highlights! I know your all excited with me:]

My English tutor says that im a natural with writing! and that i should have no problem when it comes to making my paper go over and above the expectations! But what i want to know is if this lady thinks im so great and i have a natural talent for writing out my expressions and thoughts then why have i always failed every paper ive written?

And i made a new friend today at work. Well ive been working with her for about a month but we never really talked. And we talked today! and she is really funny! and once we start joking around there is non-stop laughter in the deli department. And honestly that is what i need! If i am having to work at a job that i hate as a way to pay my bills through college then i atleast need someone there for me to crack up with and make it seem a little less like work! And then i couldnt get the fryer to filter at work today because some butt heads keep doing it wrong so when i go to do it it messes up! Thanks alot geniuses! So i was getting really mad after about my 100,000 time trying to get the nasty stuff to come up the tube and here walks in my manager! She comes over and i said that if she could get it to work she might as well shoot me in my foot because i have been messing with it for about an hr! Well the heifer did the exact same thing i did and it worked! i was so pissed! OMG it hates me! well i hate it and its nasty oil and nasty fried foods anyways! haha

So i put in a application at Petsmart earlier this week. Yesterday i drove by one and stopped in and talked to the manager! EVERY ONE PRAY I GET THIS JOB! i would love it and have so much fun!!! I would start out as a dog washer! making a little less then what i am now! And then in 3 mths if i showed quailty signs they would move me up to dog groomer! and they would send me to school and everything to learn the ins and outs of grooming! Im really excited because this is what im going to school for which is animal care! and if i could get a job working with animals doing anything i would be so happy!!! So hopefully they call me back for a interview because i will deff go over there again and talk to them all over again haha!!!!

Finding something through a Tutor

Have you ever had a subject in school that you didnt understand? One that you could never get anything done and you had to recieve extra help? Well I have a subject just like that. Its called English. As you may know writing papers is not my strong point. I loath it. But I love to write! So earlier this week I signed up for a english tutor. 

I met my tutor today and I liked her from the start. She reminds me of "me" but in a older and wiser way. She is tall slightly plump but in a Im healthy and from the south way not I dont take care of myself way. Her hair is shoulder length and natural grey and she sports some pretty stylish glasses. I like to think of her as your "Aunt Pearl". But today she helped me come up with topics about my Narrative paper. And while coming up with a topic it really hit home. A straight home run to myself, inside self. I remembered when I found my writing portfolio from my childhood summers. This was made back before I had assignments and I was probably in early middle school. It brought some straight up tears to my ears talking about it. And I know "Aunt Pearl" was probably thinking what kinda nut do I have in my office but I figured something out today. That I forgot about something that I loved! I had a passion for making up my own stories as a child. I was always getting in trouble for making up tall tales in school about people and such and since noone wanted to hear them I had started writing all of my stories down. And I had forgotten about them. That hurt. Something that had once meant so much to me that I had decorated it and hide it from the world in a special place so that no one would know my sorrows and what went on in my head was lost for years! Im glad I remembered it. Because honestly I had some great stuff in there! I got really wrapped up in a story that I had forgotten all about! AMAZING! So tonight when I get home im going to put that portfolio in a special place again. And im going to continue to write stories about things that dont matter and what nots and exaggerations about people.

So thank you once again my "Aunt Pearl" tutor. You have really helped a poor lost student remember something about herself that she didn't know meant so much to her. And at this point in my life I needed that!

School life in a blog nutshell...

Honestly the whole school thing is exciting to me. I love going to a new class and learning about new things. How to cut something open and what organs do what and I actually enjoy doing some homework. But there are also some major cons to whole school experience. Papers! I feel eternal loathing for writing papers such as research, literacy and so on. For example I have to do a research paper on pigs. PIGS! Really? Its for Animal Care and I really like that class so I guess I can bit the bullet and find some facts about pigs. But I honestly do not like the finding information citing it blah blah blah! I would rather give you a tale about a ship sailing through the clouds and unicorns flying with cotton candy clouds. And I have another one due about something that has made a impression on me that deals with reading or writing. Something dealing with literacy. Really...I think I'm going to borrow that .22 from GTCC and shot myself not my dreams. And have you talked to my back lately? Yeah its begging for some morphine. I bet my book bag weighs in at 50 pounds. I really want one of those nice rolling bags but I cant find any big enough to fit all of my books! And the ones that I did find were 70 plus dollars! And I'm poor. So to round everything up. I love school itself and the atmosphere of this school. BUT i hate papers and my back has a hit list for my book bag and its contents!

My love for Walmart!

If you didn't know this about me I have a strong love for Walmart. It's more of a obsession really. It has went so far that i actually bought (at Walmart) a sign for my fiancee that says "When I die bury me at Walmart so my wife will visit!"

My Walmart thing started as a small baby. Because every Saturday mawmaw and great granny would take me to at least 2 Walmarts. My great granny had such a obsession that she would wake up and start calling my mawmaw at about 7am asking when she was coming to pick her up so she could go to Walmart. The sad thing is that SHE NEVER BOUGHT ANYTHING! But the occasional 2 Liter Pepsi. AND I SO THE SAME THING! Minus the 2 Liter Pepsi. I will go to a Walmart in my free time and i literally spend about 2 good hrs just LOOKING! No exaggeration if you could only see me. I will walk around with a empty buggy and look at everything. I usually start in the pet supply area and make my rounds through the whole store. Sure my buggy will be loaded to the top by time i get finished but im also the person at the register that puts everything on the magazine racks. They HATE me. Because i will have shoes and shirts and cat food maybe some yarn. And then at the last minute I put everything back but the yarn. After 2 hrs I only buy yarn! 

So for everyone who hates the task of going shopping with Kellie. Because 99.9 percent of the time we end up at Walmart. Blame it on Mawmaw and Granny! Because those two together were a freak force of nature. My granny could sniff out every Walmart in a tri-state area! AND that was back before the big internet boom and map quest and gps were thought of. She was good! I can never hope to be her successor but I like to think I'm pretty darn close! 

 

Learning how to Blog...

So by the suggestion of a friend i have decided to blog. I have never blogged before and honestly I think that I might be rather good at it. Up until today i have used facebook as a means of letting out my thoughts and feelings of the day and honestly that little box is not my friend...